


We Don't Give Up on Each Other

by UnapologeticallyMeatwad



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Trans, Coming Out, Depression, F/F, Gender Dysphoria, M/M, Nonbinary My Unit | Byleth, POV Second Person, Queerplatonic Relationships, Trans Edelgard von Hresvelg, Trans Female Character, Trans Hubert von Vestra, Trans Male Character, Trans Mercedes von Martritz, Trans My Unit | Byleth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:21:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27828199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnapologeticallyMeatwad/pseuds/UnapologeticallyMeatwad
Summary: “I know I don’t look like one, Hubert, but I really think I’m a girl. I dunno how I’ll be able to convince everyone, I know it’s really silly but I’m a girl, a-and my name is Edelgard. I really like being called El too! Can you please call me that from now on? Edelgard. It makes me happy.”[au where a trans hubert and a trans edelgard don’t get to grow up together]
Relationships: Edelgard von Hresvelg & Hubert von Vestra, Edelgard von Hresvelg/My Unit | Byleth, Mercedes von Martritz/Hubert von Vestra
Comments: 8
Kudos: 30





	We Don't Give Up on Each Other

**Author's Note:**

> Warning, this fic is very intense and very visceral. It depicts suicide ideation, abuse, PTSD, gender dysphoria, and transphobia, both internal and external. But it has a happy ending. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it. I've been going through a lot lately and this was helpful to me.

“Talk to that Von Vestra girl again, in any capacity, and I swear in Seiros’ name I will have _her_ killed. Do you understand?”

“...can I say goodbye?”

“Absolutely not, ▬◙■▓▓◘ . Infact, speak of that ridiculous name you came up for yourself again, and I will _also_ arrange for the death of the Von Vestra girl.”

“Y-yes Uncle.”

* * *

Her

Your family died underground. You died down there too probably. You weren’t the same when you returned to the light. They didn’t let you be the same, and they didn’t let you have Hubert.

He disappeared a year after your Uncle threatened to have him killed. You doubted he died. To this day, you still think he ran. You’d have run too if you could. 

But just in case your Uncle knew where he was, you gave it all up. You convinced yourself you were wrong, you’re not a girl. Just an air headed child. This way, there would never be any mention of Edelgard von Hresvelg again. Your best friend would be safer this way.

Yes. Best friend.

You haven’t spoken to Hubert in eight years, but he’ll always hold that role in your heart. He understood you like no one else could. He really truly understood you when you told him—

~**~

_“I know I don’t look like one, Hubert, but I really think I’m a girl. I dunno how I’ll be able to convince everyone, I know it’s really silly but I’m a girl, a-and my name is Edelgard. I really like being called El too. Can you please call me that from now on? Edelgard. It makes me happy.”_

~**~

Yes, that. You cringe sometimes, and laugh to yourself at how awkward you were about it. Hubert was much more direct.

~**~

_“I swear to Sothis, Edelgard, if Dad insults me one more time for saying I’m a boy, I am going to stab him in the face. Hm, no. In the back. At night. It’d be a good use of the stabbing hole I cut into his mattress. Oh, Right. I’m a boy, El. That’s why I understand you so much.”_

~**~

Whether or not Hubert really did set up a stabbing hole for his father is ambiguous. Much as you love Hubert, he’s so hard to read. You miss him. Eight years without a friend to your name.

You wonder if he still goes by Hubert, or if he’s like you and decided he was being silly about changing genders and stuff. You know you’ll see him again one day.

When he ran away (you know he ran) you were so proud. He’s smart and skilled like that. 

You tried in the past to locate him as Heir to the Throne but you don’t really get a lot of power around here. They bred you as their weapon, they speak to you like an object, and you hate yourself because you agree with most of their philosophy. You resent Crests, you despite the nobility, and you believe war is the only way. 

You try to make yourself proud of who you are — Adrestia’s secret weapon. 

You are the Flame Emperor. You are spearheading the war on Seiros, by masquerading as a student at Garreg Mach. Maybe it’s just a school to most of the students, but you see it as Lady Rhea’s stronghold where controls all of Fodlan from. 

You don’t enjoy being on campus. 

Boys enjoy teasing you for being such a ‘sissy.’ You try not to cry, and consider changing outfits. But this outfit is what made you fall in love with yourself again.

Your shirt is black and silk, and hides your network of scars well. Your pants are so short, with bright red leggings hiding even more of your scars. Then you have a cape draped on just one of your shoulders. You think you look princely like this. Mildly androgynous. 

You’re not a girl, you decided. You just like dressing sort of like one. This is enough for you. 

Today, you’re in the underground, walking with your ridiculous Flame Emperor mask among your people. You’re scared, because recently you got too wrapped in your undercover act and were forced to kill some of your own men raiding the Holy Tomb. 

If they knew it was you, they’d eviscerate you. 

You failed your own knights. You are not the protector you claim to be. 

You’re meeting with your top ranked knight today: The Death Knight. He is the best assassin in all of Fodlan, you’re sure. As expected, he is very discreet. You’ve never seen his face, nor has he seen yours. You both wear masks because you have something to hide, you guess.

Arundel wants to claim the Death Knight for himself, but you don’t let him. This Death Knight is special to you. He believes in you, though you are curious why he’d like to meet today. 

He enters the room, wearing his skull mask as always. 

“ _I appreciate you taking time to speak with me, Your Majesty,_ ” he bows on one knee to you. You think it’s not necessary. 

“ _It is no problem at all,_ ” you hate your voice. It’s even worse with the distortion the mask gives it. You especially hate how your lips bump against the metal ridges of this mask, how your inevitable facial scruff rubs against it.

You sound so cold and conniving. “ _Speak freely, my friend._ ”

The Death Knight glances up at you, then rises to his feet. “ _We both keep our privacy with our respective masks, but I cannot sleep at night for I think I know who you are._ ”

How absurd. You are curious though. Who do people think is behind the mask? You chance it.

“ _Ha, try me,_ ” you say.

“ _Edelgard?_ ”

Oh.

Not ▬◙■▓▓◘ _._

Edelgard. 

Only one person would ever dare to call you that.

“ _Hubert_?”

He takes off his mask.

* * *

Him

You never said goodbye to her, to anyone, even yourself really. You just ran away and convinced yourself it was normal. 

You had to. You just wish you were more careful. So early in you were captured by bad people. They threw you into a ring with demonic beasts, and laughed as they expected to witness your demise. But then you killed the monsters.

Turns out you are very angry, and that anger feeds dark magic. 

You showed those cretins what real power looks like, so they adopted you as one of their own. You were a mercenary, you killed people for coin. 

You were their best. Easily better than anyone in charge. You demanded to take over and they rejected your offer. 

So.

One day…

You drank coffee, set your mug down, and left the room where you had piled up all of their corpses. You moved on, telling yourself it’s time to find a normal life, but you’re too sick in the head for that.

You love being an assassin. You love killing, it’s the look in their eyes they make when you stab them through the back, and they know they will be dead before they hit the ground. You relish in it.

You’re angry, and you work. At least you can call yourself Hubert here. Your Father never let you, no one did. No one except your dearest El. 

Something happened to her. You don’t know what, but someone hurt her badly. You wish you could have helped.

Now you are alone. Perhaps loneliness is the only place where you can be truly honest. In this life, you’re a boy. Sure, you have breasts and fuck do they bother you so much. But you are a man. If anyone fucks with you, you drop their head, and you drop many heads. So many employers think you are ridiculous for claiming to be a man. 

You’d have more of a reputation around here if you didn’t kill nearly every single person you met. Woops.

A woman hires you towards the end of your mercenary career. Her husband wants to breed for Crests with his ‘stepdaughter.’ It is disgusting, and so like the cis men in Fodlan. You kill him and cackle. You’re glad you got to be the one to end him.

But there’s a moment when you’re creeping in the shadows of the hallway, only minutes before you kill the man, that a young boy approaches you. He’s the ‘stepdaughter’ you are trying to protect. His hair is long and braided, hung over his neck, his cheeks soft and round, eyes wide and feminine. Very pretty.

At the time, you didn’t know that was a boy. You wish you did. 

~**~

_“Mama told me about you. She said you’re a boy.”_

_“Mm. That’d be true.”_

_“I was thinking about you all night.”_

_“How precious of you. Please move along now. I need to do some work.”_

_“I’m not an idiot, we have five minutes before he gets here. Do be quick… anyways, I’ve been working on this thing for my best friend who’s like you, and thought you might like it. It can bind back your breasts.”_

_“That’s… I didn’t know you could do that. I mean, I really should focus…”_

_“He likes it a lot.”_

_“Damn. Okay. What must I do for you in return?”_

_“Nothing, just meet me tonight and I can give you one.”_

~**~

You don’t know what you were thinking, but you did meet up with him that night and when the binder pushed your breasts back, and you saw yourself with a flat chest for the first time since you were a child, you fall onto your knees and weep. 

The boy holds you. You let him. This hurts so much. You don’t like having to live like this. 

Your next task was to seek out Edelgard. You needed to know she is doing okay. So you stumbled into a secret underground army connected to the Imperial Throne. You figured that was a good place to start, and well, you are so good at what you do that you couldn’t help but become their best assassin, their Death Knight, they call you. 

You wear a mask because what happened with that kind, kind boy may never happen again. They saw your face and it made you vulnerable. No one can know. 

Now, you are looking right into the Flame Emperor’s dark gaze, and you can’t help but remove your mask. Your raven locks fall around our shoulders.

She removes her mask. You see traces of what might be tears on her face, but she seems to be holding them back. She’s formal and poised, and you are the emotional one for once.

“Edelgard,” you choke. “Edelgard, Edelgard, Edelgard.”

You hate yourself for thinking this, but you are disappointed when you see how short her hair is, how she shakes her head and looks away, telling you to call her ▬◙■▓▓◘ _._ You just thought… you were sure she really was a girl. You hate that you don’t believe her. 

You’re disappointed by the conversation. She’s even more secretive without the mask. She doesn’t look at you and crosses her arms, but you notice her fingers shaking. You notice a lot when it’s Edelgard.

When the conversation gets to personal, she switches gears and talks about the upcoming mission.

~**~

_“They want the young girl’s blood, I don’t think it’s right but.. orders are orders. What do you think?”_

_“If there’s a way of skewing it to our benefit, I suppose.”_

_“Yes, I was thinking that. Perhaps slip an agent into my class, framing it as one kidnapping and an old one. There’s a Black Eagles girl who vanished a year ago, we might be able to—sorry, I’m rambling.”_

_“It’s alright. What you say about Jeritza’s positioning is too risky. He’ll get caught. Let me take the girl. No one knows me after all.”_

~**~

She examines you from head to toe and speaks so carefully. It sounds like she’s mourning.

~**~

_“No. I suppose no one does.”_

* * *

Her

They hate you, it is stupid that you feel so much for this woman who hates you, but you do. You thought they could be your friend.

But they try to kill you. Tears shine in their eyes as they step forward and crack the Sword of the Creator at your waist. You didn’t expect such a sudden attack, nor such an aggressive one. Not from your teacher.

You weren’t even going to fight. Your sole objective was to warp in and get the Death Knight out. Yet you’re the one getting stabbed at.

When you warp back to your dungeon, you fall off your feet and collapse into a wall, sinking to the floor. 

“What happened?” The Death Knight bows down to you, eying your body fast, searching for blood. “Ah, I see.”

It’s your hands. They sliced your palms open, there is a lot of blood. You are such an idiot. You are supposed to be more in control and now your Death Knight is doting over you. 

You know he prefers Hubert, but it hurts just looking at him. Knowing that he is living his transition and you aren’t. So you say Death Knight.

“I can mend it,” the Death Knight says, pulling your gloves off fast, flashing you a look. “Are you okay?

You shake your head. You know you shouldn’t say this, but you think it’s important, “I’m falling in love with that professor.” 

You know you needn’t say more, the Death Knight will understand why you are so heartbroken and pathetic.

The Death Knight frowns somewhat sympathetically, and raises your hands. “I’ve been watching them. They’re very dim witted. You can do better. Um.”

You don’t know what he means at first with his sudden concern, and then you see him examining not just the scars on your hands but your graying skin.

Stupid stupid stupid.

“You weren’t supposed to see that,” you tell him, even though it’s too late. “Quick, I need to get back out there. Keep up the chara—”

“If you go up there _now_ , you’ll be sobbing and it will be obvious something is wrong. Stay with me, just this once, try to heal yourself.”

Try to… heal yourself…

You know he means that far more grandly than it does in this moment. You know he knows you are destroying yourself. You let yourself cry, not necessarily because you want to, but because you think it will make him happy to see. 

The Death Knight—no, Hubert must be happy. At all costs. 

When you calm down into just sniffles, you tell him the truth. 

Of your time underground. You’ve never told anyone before, not that you’ve ever told anyone anything. It is freeing to speak like this, about your past. Sometimes, you forget it happened. Because surely no one could be so rotten that they’d hurt a child like that? 

Haha. You little fool. You work for those horrible people. You _are_ one of those horrible people.

Hubert just listens, but you notice how he clenches his jaw. He wants blood for this. Damn. You shouldn’t have told him. He’s going to do something reckless over you.

~**~

_“I’m not planning on letting them live, at the end of this, but I need their help.”_

_“Why? We can do this together, El. Just you and me.”_

_“Please stop calling me that, it was… childish of me to do such a thing. As a child. I’m… I’m a man, Hubert. I’m sorry.”_

_“Ah. Ah yes. I… sorry.”_

_“It’s fine.”_

_“It’s not.”_

_“Fuck, Hubert. Why do you care about me so much?”_

~**~

He makes you too emotional, so you don’t tell him the rest. You don’t explain the gray hands, though you know he’ll just figure it out anyways. You don’t have long to live, you are dying in a few years almost certainly, because no human body can sustain itself with so much power.

Time means nothing to you anymore. You could die in five years having never used your powers, or you could use your powers now and live for three years. What’s the difference.

Your siblings died so you could be the Flame Emperor; you can’t spit at their memory, you have to be the weapon you were designed to be.

You cry in your dorm room that night. You’re hiding under your blankets in a nightgown you stole from Hilda’s room. You keep looking at the walls and wondering if people can see through them and find you. Oh how’d they laugh. 

It’s irrational, you’re safe here, but you’re so scared. 

Apparently, you cry loudly because your Professor knocks on your door, asking if you’re okay. 

You long so much to open the door and reach out your hand but you can’t. Because you’re in a nightgown. 

You are a girl. You really are.

You hate yourself so much.

* * *

Him

You fuck up. You fuck up really badly.

You kill no one at Remire, and not from a lack of effort.

So stupid. 

You stop wearing your binder. It hurts after so many hours and though few of your missions are long enough that you feel that pain, you don’t want it because it makes you less good at what you do. 

It gets worse when the students turned into Demonic Beasts invade the school. Your role there is simple: ensure Jeralt Eisner dies. Somehow, Edelgard knows about this thing called the _Divine Pulse_. Apparently, the Professor can reverse time to their liking. Edelgard predicts Byleth will do this to save their father from Kronya.

You are to kill Byleth from afar. You need to snipe them in a way they can’t predict so when they attempt to stop Kronya for a second time, they fail.

But you miss. You never miss. 

Kronya dies. Jeralt lives.

The moment you get some peace, Edelgard rounds on you and she’s furious. At you. It takes a while for it to truly register.

~**~

_“How did you miss.”_

_“I—I’m sorry, I just aimed poorly.”_

_“Do you understand what you’ve done? I vetted you! I told Thales you could—why did you do this to me, Hubert?!”_

_“Edelgard—”_

_“STOP CALLING ME THAT!”_

~**~

Darkness plumes behind her, and a white faced man steps out. This must be Thales.

Edelgard is shaking, panting so hard. She keeps her gaze on you, but she flinches with every footstep that—thing—takes. 

“I can’t protect you anymore,” Edelgard whispers through wet lips, snot dripping down her face. “I love you so much, Hubert, please—”

“ _Great Sothis alive, Flame Emperor,_ ” Thales cackles, his voice as rough as leather. “ _You always get so attached. I think… it’s unhealthy for you.”_

You leer at him. You already know — it was him. This is the bastard who locked Edelgard up in a dungeon and killed her family. 

“If you kill him,” Edelgard’s voice quakes, and she gets in front of you, arms spread. “I’ll kill myself, I swear to God, Uncle.”

Uncle?

Uncle… Arundel?

Oh no, El… 

“ _You would like to kill yourself, wouldn’t you?_ ” Thales hums. “ _Very well. Do not disappoint me again, von Vestra._ ”

He turns and Edelgard nearly collapses. You don’t know what to do, whether or not you should comfort her. But she’s shaking so much, teeth chattering. You think… you think her mind is forcing her back into that dungeon. That has to be it. 

You take in a deep breath and speak just as Thales dips his foot into the portal.

~**~

_“She—they’re stronger than, you know. I’ve worked for several people like you by now, and it’s always the weak ones that attack the strong. But one day, they will figure it out and you best start running before that happens.”_

~**~

Thales looks back and just smiles. You know that was a bad idea. Edelgard looks up at you with blank eyes. 

“Th-thank you,” she whispers.

There’s a loud _crack!_ and she collapses to the ground. Thales backhands her, and leaves without a word.

* * *

Her

You lay on the ground and then your bed, quivering. Your uncle hit you. Your Uncle is smart and ambitious, he knows what Fodlan ought to be. You thought you were like him but how can you be if he hates you so much.

Hubert said you were strong. It was very kind, but you know he’s wrong, you know he’s going to get himself killed protecting you. He needs to go, you need to get him to go. You feel horrible for yelling at him for botching the assassination; if anything, you’re relieved Jeralt is alive.

Byleth doesn’t deserve to lose their father. 

You don’t get up for a full day. You wake up starved and dehydrated. You miss classes. 

But no one cares. You skipped the White Heron Cup too and no one cared. It’s because you have no friends. 

Anytime someone does try to get close to you, like Dorothea, you scream at them for things that aren’t their fault. Byleth doesn’t like you because you’re mean, and makes you take detention. 

You’re glad no one likes you. Those people are smart. Not like Hubert. Hubert is such a fool. You need to protect him.

“Please leave,” you tell Hubert one afternoon. “Please leave before they hurt you.”

When you don’t show up to your classes for a week, Thales rips you out of bed and hits you again. Reminds you of how useless you are, reminds you that this whole fucking thing relies on you being at Garreg Mach. 

You lay in glass, covered in blood. And you get up. Clean yourself, get dressed, and go to class.

You were never the Flame Emperor. You have no power.

Your siblings died for nothing. You hope there’s no afterlife, because you can’t bear to meet any of their eyes.

* * *

Him

They stop you on your way to the Holy Tomb; you are to serve as Edelgard’s right hand and lead her men into stealing the Crest Stones. But apparently not anymore, Myson has an array of Dark Spikes pointed at your neck. 

This cackling stooge called Metodey struts by you. Apparently they need someone more _competent_ to assist Edelgard in her siege, and you are powerless to do anything about it. They drag you to the underground, throwing you over a stone slab, surely to tortutre you. Solon wants for that so badly, to have a go at fucking Hubert’s body up.

Well.

Clearly this isn’t working out anymore.

So you kill all of them. You walk out of the lair, smeared in blood, chest heaving. Limping. At least one rib shattered. Jaw unhinged possibly. Part of your ear burnt off. Not able to see in one eye. 

You don’t care. You drag yourself through the Sealed Forest, gasping for air so often. You stumble and barely make it into Garreg Mach.

Based on how quiet the campus is, you guess she’s still in the Holy Tomb. You don’t even hide, you just sprint through the campus. You scream when you realize you have no idea where the Holy Tomb even is. 

How stupid are you? What were you thinking charging in like this?

You punch a wall, smearing it with the blood of at least five different black mages. You are bleeding all over, you are dying, you sort of know that, but you aren’t stopping until you find her. 

Then a soft voice comes from your right. You turn and look, stunned.

~**~  
 _“I remember you. I gave you a binder I made for my friend.”_

_“Oh. Um. Hi.”_

_“You aren’t wearing yours.”_

_“This really isn’t a good time—”_

_“I know that, why are you here?”_

_“I need to find the Holy Tomb and save her, I don’t know where it is.”_

_“You’re bleeding quite a bit.”_

_“I’m aware.”_

_“So you don’t wear your binder and you walk around covered in blood. Interesting. You are a good person, please stop doing this to yourself. Anyways, the Holy Tomb is…”_

_“You think I’m a good person?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“...”_

_“Anyways…”_

~**~

Such a silly boy. But his directions are good. You find the Holy Tomb promptly but by then it’s too late. 

Edelgard is at the center of it all, surrounded by corpses. Her hands are shaking and her ax is on the ground. Everyone, _everyone_ is pointing a weapon at her. 

“Professor,” Rhea hisses. “Kill ▬◙■▓▓◘ _._ ”

The Professor moves in, angling their sword carefully. Your best friend blinks and steps back, dark magic flowing from her arms. Even from afar, you can see the whites of her eyes go black, the pupils go red. Her skin grays. 

She never told you but it’s pretty obvious what’s going on. Her power is killing her.

You know that if she really does this, if she does what you know she’s planning, she will die. And it’s not fucking worth it. Not for Thales, not for any of this bullshit. 

You’re too far away to save her from the Professor, but you can at least save her from herself.

“EL, DON’T!” you scream hoarsely, voice echoing anywhere.

You see Edelgard react so visibly, you see her scrunch in even smaller and shake even more. You see her hands squeeze the magic back in and burn when it rips back into her frail body. 

You can only watch as she sobs and falls to the ground. She gets taken away. You don’t know what to do. You failed. Maybe. 

No, you’re alive. You are going to save her now. It’s your next task.

But you pass out on the way. You collapse behind a stone pillar and your last thought is no one will find you for days. You’re as good as dead. 

* * *

Her

You commanded no one. Metodey took over the instant he walked in, and he refused to tell you about what happened to Hubert. You can’t focus. You can’t stop thinking about Hubert. You actually forget your part in all of this, you forget your classmates don’t know you’re the Flame Emperor. It’s so embarrassing.

Then everyone dies. Metodey is an idiot and you are apathetic. You let yourself lose.

When the Professor moves to kill you, you feel nothing. You knew it would end like this. They hate you so much. You’re sure it will make them feel better to see you gone from this world.

When Hubert calls your name, you feel everything, and Byleth flinches. You don’t know why they flinch. But when you wake up, not dead, you feel so confused, so upset. You slump in your prison cell, and relive all of your traumas as rats scurry past you. 

Your first night, you beg the first guard that passes by to kill you. They ignore you.

Then your Uncle visits you.

~**~

_“You foolish child, do you have any idea what you’ve done?!”_

_“Yes, Uncle.”_

_“And yet you insist on just sitting here, waiting for your execution date?”_

_“Yes, Uncle.”_

_“Unbelievable. Your siblings sacrificed themselves to create you and you refuse their gift. You’re pathetic.”_

_“I know I am. Leave me alone.”_

_“I’m sorry it has to be like this. I really am going to have to leave you here,_ ▬◙■▓▓◘ _. You’re of no use to me like this.”_

_“Then go away.”_

_“You will die within a week’s time. No one will come to save you.”_

_“Good. Make sure it says Edelgard on my coffin, please.”_

_“No one will bury you either. You’re officially disowned from the Adrestrian Throne as of—”_

_“Please stop talking. I don’t care.”_

* * *

Him

You wake up days later, strewn out in someone’s bed. A dorm room, it looks like. You try to get up but someone pushes you back so hard, and pulls a blanket over your head.

They shush you, goddamnit. 

It doesn’t take long for you to realize that the mage boy who is nice to you has taken you in as his patient, and is secretly treating you under the nose of the Church. You woke up during one of the inspections all of the students are subject to now that one of their own has turned into a villain of the Church. 

“Why?” is the first thing you say when the coast is clear. He just smiles and it makes you cry. “Why?” 

You repeat it until he answers you. 

* * *

Her

You wake up and yelp, backing away from the hand that is so close to your face. 

It’s the Professor. You crawl into a corner and try to hide behind your hands, it’s so stupid. 

But they are gentle. You shake and cry the whole time, but they aren’t doing anything bad. They touch your back in a nice way and hold you tight, whispering into your ear. Apparently they want to help you. You don’t think that’s a good idea. 

So you tell them to go away and leave you alone. You aren’t worth their time.

But they don’t leave. Byleth draws back, a little anxious. You’ve never been this close to them before, never noticed their square jaw, or their Adam’s Apple—

—or the shadow of facial hair on their lip. Is it possible… no. Byleth can’t be, not like you. 

“Someone called you _El_ in the Holy Tomb,” Byleth whispers to you. You’re surprised they even noticed that. 

You shut your eyes tight. _Who was it?_ you expect them to ask. You expect an interrogation, you have so much valuable information. But you’ll never give Hubert up.

You don’t expect Byleth to say, “Do you like that name more?”

You clamp your jaw tight and nod. 

“Okay, okay, El, that’s a pretty name you chose for yourself,” Byleth seems to smile. You won’t look. “I know it’s scary, and not fun a lot of the time. But you deserve to be happy. I’m trying to help you.”

What?

That doesn’t make sense. 

You deserve to die. You feel so angry, this is another torture then. But… they _know_. They heard the name El and within moments made the connection. This is someone who can understand you. 

“I like being called Edelgard too,” you sniff. “I’m… I’m a girl…”

This is so stupid. Why should they care about any of this. 

“I know you are,” they say. “I’m sorry I didn’t see it sooner. There’s a lot of things I’m starting to understand right now… I saw the way your own men treated you on the field, I don’t think you are really part of them.”

“No,” is all you can think to say.

Byleth goes on to explain things. The Church is interested in you apparently. Because the war has started without you, and Lady Rhea wants to know what exactly her enemies sent in to kill her. You are Adrestia’s secret weapon after all. 

They’ve already seen the scars, they know now that you have Twin Crests. So they want to inspect your body. Figure out exactly just what they did to you. You don’t want this obviously, because you are so ugly. You’ve spent a whole year at this school wearing clothing to conceal your scars and gray skin. Now the Church wants to violate that. 

“El,” Byleth says in the middle of saying something else. “Can you see me right now?”

“What?” You don’t mean to speak, it just comes out. It hurts to talk. Your voice is dark and deep. 

“Your eyes… can you still see through them?”

Your eyes have gone black and red because of the stupid shit you pulled at the Holy Tomb. You didn’t know that happened. You feel the same. You always feel the same no matter what happens to you.

Your vision is fine. 

You shake, and you just tell the truth.

“I’m really scared.”

“I know,” Byleth coos.

You still don’t understand why they are doing this. They ask you some more questions, about things that would make you happy, and you feel so guilty asking for food and water, and a bed if it’s not too much. 

You also request to be moved to a room that definitely won’t have rats. Byleth isn’t so sure about that one. That’s the most important request, though. No rats, no memories, please.

Byleth looks back at you, and you still feel so afraid. You don’t understand why they are doing this for you. You know they hate you. 

~**~

_I wish someone told me this when I was a kid. As badly as you want to be a girl, El, well, you already are one. You’ve been a girl from the start, you just look different from most of them._

~**~

That makes even less sense. You’re not a girl, you’re not even a boy, you’re just a horrible monster who hurts everyone they come in contact with. You wish Byleth would just go away, but you’re not strong enough to ask.

* * *

Him

You hear mutterings from outside the naggy schoolboy’s room often. The students don’t call her El or Edelgard, but you learn that she’s being kept alive for experimentation. Some students have been snooping in on it, sneaking onto the second floor to see her get carted about. 

It breaks your heart.

You know why she has allowed this to happen, too. But you’re dying too. The schoolboy chastises you for being foolish and you’ll admit it, you were foolish. You know it’s a miracle you’re even alive.

You still can’t really do anything. You really got the tar kicked out of you.

You ask him to put the binder on you one afternoon, mostly to make him happy. He warns you not to wear it too long, or at least, that’s what his friend told him or—

—oh.

You laugh so hard it hurts your broken ribs.

~**~

_“You little hypocrite. You didn’t make this binder for your friend at all.”_

_“Um. Well, technically I made this one in particular for my friend. Because you’re my friend.”_

_“You shouldn’t be so scared of wearing one.”_

_“Damn. I was hoping you wouldn’t figure it out. You’re the first one to… know. It’s like a waking nightmare.”_

_“I know. Do you want to… um… talk about it?”_

_“No.”_

_“Okay. Let me know if you do.”_

_“I will, Hubert. Um. Can I ask you something? You keep using she pronouns for your friend, but I’ve never heard anyone call him—her that.”_

_“Yes. She’s a girl. Her name is Edelgard, and she really likes being called El.”_

~**~

You suddenly feel overcome with life, and you can’t help yourself. You rise slowly, looking this boy in the eye and very carefully, and with his consent, you take his blouse off and fit that binder on. You take his hair, and braid it, winding it around his head in a crown, and you show him his true self in the mirror.

The boy kisses you. You don’t expect it. You didn’t even know it was okay to want to be a boy but still love boys over girls. You kiss him and you start to understand why he said you’re a good person.

~**~

“ _I’ll help you save Edelgard.”_

_“Really? Th-thank you.”_

* * *

Her

It could be worse, you tell yourself. At least you have a friend.

The medical examinations are humiliating. They throw you on stone slabs, bind you down with leather straps, and draw on your body and on paper. Sometimes Lady Rhea comes in to watch and she smiles at you, flashing her canines. You hate her. You wish you tried harder to kill her.

The only saving grace is Byleth. They always show up, and they stay in the corner, watching you. When they sense you are upset, they come out and stroke your cheek, and whisper nice things to you for a while. You don’t think they should protect you though. You don’t know how to tell them that. Because you still love them. 

It gets really bad one day though. Someone rips your medical gown off. You thought it had been agreed on that would never be acceptable, but now you are naked on the cold stone and you can’t move. This isn’t fair. You don’t want people to see. 

You bite down so hard on your lip you bleed, but bleeding is better than screaming. You look to Byleth and try to tell them with just your eyes to stay back, don’t do anything stupid. Because you know what they’ll do otherwise.

They do it anyways. Byleth tears the straps off the table, cover you with their jacket, and carry you away. You wish they didn’t, the Church won’t let them protect you anymore now. They’re going to make Byleth disappear, just like your Uncle did with Hubert.

Byleth seems to know it too, when they set you back into your cell. They lock themselves in and sigh so loudly. 

~**~

_“Why did you do that, Professor?”_

_“Because you don’t deserve to be treated like that, El. None of this is okay.”_

_“I disagree, but… I think you should run.”_

_“Run?”_

_“They’re going to come for you now.”_

_“I don’t think the Church would…”_

_“Please. This…”_

~**~

You stop talking. There are footsteps. There’s not a lot of time but Goddess you are so tired, and you don’t want to say it. You want to scream and cry for a little bit at least, but Byleth is here and won’t be here ever again. 

_This has happened to me before. All of it. The experiments, the slabs, the rats, the isolation. Rhea isn’t that different from my Uncle. Please listen to me._

You’re too weak to say all that. 

_They killed my sister for trying to protect me. They’ll kill you too. Because they hate me so much._

The footsteps get louder. And louder. Faster too. 

You take in a deep breath.

“Grab your sword,” you mutter. It’s all you can say.

Byleth does so.

Byleth trusts you and cuts through the iron bars and slays their would-be captors. Blood spills everywhere, and more soldiers pour in. It’s a flood. 

Byleth looks back to you.

~**~

_“Come with me.”_

~**~

You…

…

You let yourself get separated from them. You stay in your cell and they are forced to run away. 

You do it because you love them. You don’t know if they know that. 

That’s something you kinda wish you said out loud. No, it’d make them stay.

Byleth, I love you. You say it in your cell when it gets quiet. I love you so much. Please be safe.

* * *

Him

You take back what you said about Byleth; they are no dimwit at all. They fake their death. There’s a day when everyone on campus is sad because Professor Eisner was chased down by the Knights and allegedly drowned in a lake.

But the body they found wasn’t Byleth’s at all. They are mourning over a fake body.

You don’t really know how Byleth pulled it off, but you do know you need to start sleeping on the floor because Byleth has taken your spot on the bed, that bastard.

You jest. They’re not so bad and your wounds are finally starting to recover. You think it’s endearing how this boy you’re with keeps taking in broken trans people. You wish you could call them something, but they don’t have a new name just yet.

When Byleth finally wakes up, you have to ask them questions. You need to know where El is.

~**~

_“Where is she?”_

_“And you are?”_

_“A friend. Please, no attitude.”_

_“I know what cell she’s in but there’s a problem.”_

_“You have no idea how many people I killed to get here. Tell me where and how many, and I’ll destroy them.”_

_“It’s not that.”_

_“...”_

_“She doesn’t want to be saved.”_

~**~

Byleth tells you so much.

You believe it, too. Everything checks out. 

You couldn’t protect Edelgard. You failed her more than once, and now she’s rotting in a dungeon by herself, alone and scared. None of this would have even happened if you just fucking saved her when you were kids—

—you know you’re being stupid. Your body is mangled. The schoolboy has made it clear to you that all of your actions have a price to pay. 

Your loyalty is killing you. Both inside and outside. 

All for someone who doesn’t want to be saved.

Well. You don’t want to be saved either. But you understand the principle. You know there’s a good chance Edelgard will stay in her dungeon forever. But that won’t stop you.

You will blow up the wall besides her and wait with open arms. People will stab you and shoot at you and you will wait, calmly waiting for El to make the decision.

* * *

Her

They start using knives. Ah yes, you knew it would come to this. They dissect you. They don’t put you under. They stare at you, daring you to react as they study your insides. 

It’s disgusting. You black out most of the time and wake up in your cell with more scars than before, and your siblings’ laughter in your ears. 

Serves you right, ▬◙■▓▓◘ _._ This is what you deserve, ▬◙■▓▓◘.

You notice as time goes on, less and less doctors are present. More and more you hear Rhea’s voice alone.

You hope Byleth and Hubert are okay. You don’t believe them when they say Byleth died. They said the same about Hubert.

You just hope Byleth doesn’t come back for you. You almost want to kill yourself so they don’t, but that scares you so much. Pain scares you, because you’ve had enough of it. 

You’re selfish, you hate that you’re so much of a coward.

One night, you are oddly present for your dissection. It’s only Rhea and you’re in her bedroom. No restraints, she knows you never try to escape. You’re naked, because she hates you and knows it makes you upset.

Garreg Mach is on fire. Even through the windows, you smell the smoke and cough. You see orange light. You’re confused. 

She tells you that your kingdom is attacking right now, but she isn’t worried. She knows from who you are that Adrestia is pathetic, and she grabs the knife and gets to work.

This time, you struggle to stay conscious. You feel every shift of the blade, every cut, every bleeding, every reopening. She wants so desperately to find your Crests and understand how this was done so she can prevent it.

And you start to realize something Hubert said is true. He told Arundel that he better run, because one day you’ll realize that you’re stronger than him. Rhea is the same.

Rhea isn’t just scared of you though, she’s terrified. She’s stripped you of everything because she needs to do that to keep you down. She slices your body open because she needs to know what the fuck you even are. You notice the pink rims under her eyes, the dark streaks of purple. She’s losing sleep over you. 

You could kill her right now if you wanted to. 

Rhea catches you staring at her and you down your body. You see your dick and think about what Byleth told you. They told you that you’ve always been a girl, and you didn’t believe them.

You rise up onto your elbows to see your groin better, because you don’t see it very often, and Rhea’s hand forces you back, gripping you by the flat chest. 

You’re a girl. You really don’t feel like a boy, even physically. You think it’s okay that a girl can look the way you do. There’s no difference between your body and Rhea’s. You’re both girls.

You’d like to look different eventually but at the moment, it’s okay. What else could you look like?

Your time underground destroyed you, and all this time, you thought your siblings hated you for being the one who got to live. But right now you imagine their voices and they want you to get up and be happy. 

You close your eyes. There’s a war, it’s starting outside right now. You aren’t ready for it, but you believe in the cause, even though you know your Uncle wages it all in bad faith. You actually care though. You want broken people to feel happy.

You know it needs to start with you. You can’t save anyone until…

It happens so fast that it’s surprising. When it’s over, Rhea is dead on the floor and your right hand is coated in scales, fingers extended into talons. Scary hand, you have a scary hand and scary eyes now. 

You get up. You’re bleeding. 

You close your eyes and you burn. You cauterize your wounds and seal them with your powers. It’s not attractive looking, but it keeps you alive. 

You look into Rhea’s mirror and see a girl with scary eyes staring back at you. There are flickers of boy that distract you. The facial hair for one. The square jaw for another. Of course the dick and the chest, and the body hair. 

They don’t feel real. They make you feel like it’s not really your body. 

You want to shave. You want to raid Rhea’s closet and find something that makes you pretty. But it can wait, you must find your friends. You’re pretty enough now, you’re girl enough.

You limp into the hallway. No one is here. Everyone else is fighting. You laugh. It’ll be funny when everyone finds Rhea’s dead body in her bedroom. It doesn’t actually take you very long to find Hubert. He’s frantically limping through the hallway on a cane, checking room after room. He screams when he finds you and almost knocks you off your feet. 

You feel foolish standing naked in his arms now. It was nice a few seconds ago. You were at peace then. You try to fight the anxiety hurtling up into your throat so you don’t cry, because you shouldn’t cry because it’s okay. You like being like this. You like being open. 

Hubert runs a hand through your hair and two more people approach. 

One is a Blue Lions boy that you thought was a girl, but looking at him now it’s so obvious he’s been a boy this whole time.

And Byleth. Beautiful precious Byleth.

You put your hands on Hubert’s chest, expecting to feel flesh, but instead it’s his binder. Very flat and firm. Good for him. You look up to him and tell him you love him. 

You release him and kiss Byleth. You hope they reciprocate, and they do. Very tender. You are so happy they are here, that you four can be together. 

...

There’s a fire raging outside Garreg Mach. If you strain your ears, you can hear the cries of war.

One day, maybe you’ll join them. But today, you are pulling back. After all, you never left the dungeon. Not until now. Nine years down there. But you are alive, you can smile and that scares the people who did this to you.

You are going to get healthy and happy before anything else, and you’re going to help your friends along the way.

You aren’t Adrestria’s secret weapon after all. You aren’t even a Flame Emperor, or a regular Emperor. 

All you are is Edelgard von Hresvelg, and you love being her.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed.
> 
> Fun fact - before this fic got really serious, it was just going to be called "Those Who Slither in the Gender Spectrum" haha.


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